The Best, Worst Day of My Life: part III

Yes, I was procrastinating again.  Please don't judge me.

I always thought the whole "my life flashed before my eyes" thing was a bunch of bunk. But as the nursing staff pushed their way into my room that day, I had a moment pretty much exactly like that.  Except the scenes that flashed in my mind weren't of the past.  They were of all the moments with my new baby that I had spent 9 months dreaming of, of watching my son grow up, graduate from college, get married...all the memories in the making that, until this moment, I had no doubt I would be around to witness.  I still didn't know what was happening, but I saw the serious looks on the faces around me, and I could almost feel my body failing.  I can't describe it any other way.  It wasn't pain, it just felt like everything was working too hard.

The staff wheeled several machines in and started monitoring my heart (though I didn't realize it). I don't know if they had informed my family about what was happening at this point, but I was thoroughly confused.  My favorite nurse briefly explained that they were going to move me to ICU because they did not have the equipment they would need to monitor me in the maternity ward, and with no other explanation, quickly did just that.  I remember thinking that it all had to be a dream, that the worrying was supposed to be over, that this was my time to enjoy being a new mom damn-it!!! All I could think about was seeing my precious little baby again and holding him and not letting go.

As they got my bed set up in the ICU room, and began to hook up monitors and get a new IV started, this young kid absently walked into my room. I will always remember this moment, though so much else is a blur.  He looked like a college freshman and had his head buried in my chart, not bothering to shake my hand or even make eye contact.  And then, in a voice that sounded like he was reading a menu, he said the words "Congestive Heart Failure".  Known as Peripartum Cardiomyopathy, it is basically heart failure brought on solely as a byproduct of pregnancy. He told me that while a normal heart (at my age) functions at around 60%, mine was currently functioning at around 20%.  Fluid was filling my lungs causing me to be short of breath, and if they couldn't stop everything I could be looking at a heart/lung transplant and even death. Oh and as a side note, even if I did recover, I would never be able to have any more babies. And then he walked out of the room.